Why Some Women Can't Set Boundaries: The Attachment Theory Secret

I was sitting with a client last week, let's call her Emma, who had just finished telling me about her latest boundary disaster.

She'd agreed to a rush project over the weekend (again), answered client texts at her daughter's dance competition (again), and was now facing a complete meltdown.

"I know what I need to do," she said, tears of frustration in her eyes. "I've read all the books, I have the scripts, I know boundaries are important. But when the moment comes, I just... can't."

Sound familiar?

Here's what most boundary advice misses: If you can't set boundaries, it's not because you're weak. It's because your nervous system was wired for survival in a way that makes boundaries feel dangerous.

And until you understand the attachment theory behind this, all the boundary scripts in the world won't help.

The Hidden Psychology of Boundary Struggles

After 8 years of working with purpose driven women, I've discovered something fascinating: The women who struggle most with boundaries often share similar childhood experiences.

They were the "good girls." The responsible ones.

The ones who kept the family peace. The ones who learned early that their value came from being needed, helpful and never too much trouble.

In attachment theory terms, they developed what we call an "anxious" “avoidant” or "disorganised" attachment style. And this attachment pattern doesn't only affect your relationships. It shows up in your business every single day.

The Four Attachment Styles (And How They Sabotage Your Boundaries)

1. Anxious Attachment: The People-Pleaser CEO

How it formed: You learned early that love was conditional. Maybe your parents were inconsistent; loving one moment, withdrawn the next. You became hypervigilant, always scanning for signs you were "too much" or "not enough."

How it shows up in business:

• You over-deliver to prove your worth

• You check emails obsessively, fearing you'll miss something

• You say yes to everything because no feels cruel or wrong

• You undercharge because asking for more feels like ego

• Your self worth is tied to client approval

One of my clients, Sarah, realised her anxious attachment was why she couldn't charge what her work was worth. "If I ask for more, they'll leave me" was literally the same fear she had as a child: "If I ask for more, mom will withdraw her love."

2. Avoidant Attachment: The Lone Wolf CEO

How it formed: Early on, you learned that needing others led to disappointment. Maybe your parents were emotionally unavailable or dismissed your needs. So you became fiercely independent because  if you don't need anyone, you can't be hurt.

How it shows up in business:

• You struggle to delegate or ask for help

• You keep clients at arm's length

• You avoid difficult conversations

• You'd rather burn out than appear weak

• You create walls instead of boundaries

I worked with Jessica, who couldn't understand why her team felt disconnected and were moving so slow. Turns out, her avoidant attachment made her create such rigid boundaries that no one felt safe approaching her. So they avoided her and stalled. Boundaries became walls.

3. Disorganised Attachment: The Chaotic CEO

How it formed: Your early environment was unpredictable. Maybe you had a parent with untreated mental health issues, addiction or trauma. You learned to be a chameleon, constantly adapting to survive the chaos.

How it shows up in business:

• Your boundaries change based on your mood

• You flip between over-giving and complete withdrawal

• You attract chaotic clients who recreate familiar patterns

• You struggle with consistency in any area

• You feel constantly overwhelmed but can't pinpoint why

Note: I'm using "disorganized" as the clinical term, not as a judgment. These patterns served you once.

4. Secure Attachment: The Balanced CEO

How it formed: You had "good enough" parenting. Not perfect, but consistent. You learned that you could have needs AND maintain connection.
You learned that boundaries actually make relationships safer for everybody.

How it shows up in business:

• You set boundaries easily and maintain them

• You value yourself regardless of client response

• You delegate naturally

• You handle conflict with grace

• You see boundaries as bridges, not walls

(If this is you, you're probably not reading this article!)

The Nervous System Connection

Here's where it gets really interesting. Your attachment style isn't just psychological, it's physiological. It literally shapes how your nervous system responds to boundary moments.

When Emma tried to say no to that weekend project, her body went into full fight-or-flight. Heart racing, palms sweating, chest tight. Her nervous system interpreted the boundary as a survival threat.

Why? Because as a child with anxious attachment, saying no might have meant withdrawal of love. Her little nervous system wired itself to see boundaries as dangerous.

Thirty years later, her body still believes this.

The Business Cost of Attachment Wounds

Let me be really clear about something: Your attachment style is costing you money.

• Anxious attachment leads to undercharging (I've seen women leave $50-100K on the table annually)

• Avoidant attachment caps your growth

• Disorganised attachment creates feast-or-famine cycles

• All insecure attachments attract difficult clients who mirror your wounds instead of your brilliance

But here's the good news: Attachment styles aren't fixed. You can create what's called "earned secure attachment."

The Path to Earned Secure Attachment

1. Recognise Your Pattern

Start noticing when your body reacts to boundary moments. What happens in your nervous system when you need to:

• State your rates

• Say no to a request

• Ask for help

• Set a work schedule

That body response? That's your attachment system sending you signals..

2. Understand the Origin Story

For just a moment, consider: What did boundaries mean in your family?

• Were they non-existent?

• Were they rigid walls?

• Were they inconsistent and always changing?

• Were they used as punishment?

You learned your boundary blueprint before you could even speak.

3. Start with Micro-Boundaries

Don't start with the big scary boundaries. Start tiny:

• Wait 5 minutes before responding to a text

• End a call 2 minutes earlier than usual

• Take a 10-minute walk break without checking email

These micro-boundaries help your nervous system learn that boundaries aren't dangerous.

4. The Magic of Co-Regulation

This is crucial: You can't heal attachment wounds alone.
(That's the whole point – relational wounds that need relational healing, so regardless of how big Ai gets? I will always have a job! Handy.)

Find safe people,  a therapist, coach, or trusted friend, who can help your nervous system learn that boundaries actually create safety, not abandonment.

5. The Body Boundary Reset

Your body needs to learn that boundaries are safe through experience.
Try this:

• Before setting a boundary, put your hand on your heart

• Take three deep breaths

• Remind yourself: "This boundary creates safety"

• Set the boundary from this grounded place

This literally rewires your nervous system over time.

Your Attachment Healing Journey

If you recognise yourself in these patterns, you're not broken. You're not weak. You're a survivor whose nervous system did exactly what it needed to do to keep you safe.

But what kept you safe as a child is keeping you small as a CEO.

The good news? Once you understand the attachment root of your boundary struggles, you can heal it. Not just cope with it or push through it, genuinely heal it.

Ready to break free from the attachment patterns sabotaging your success? The Boundary Reset Blueprint doesn't just give you scripts – it helps you understand and heal the nervous system patterns that have kept you stuck. Based on attachment theory and nervous system regulation, it's designed to create lasting transformation, not just surface change.

P.S. If this article hit close to home, you're not alone. In fact, you are in excellent company. Some of the most successful women I know have transformed their attachment wounds into their greatest business strengths. Your sensitivity isn't a weakness, it's a superpower waiting to be properly boundaried to thrive.